Dear Mister Wilde,

There’s no way around it: I have a crush. He’s a great student, one of the best athletes in the school, and so nice! I love talking to him. I want to tell him how I feel, but I get so nervous. What should I do? I really like him!

–Crushing Cathy

Dear Crushing Cathy,

Do not tell him!

No matter what you do, never tell a boy how you feel face to face. He will not appreciate your candor, and will in fact shun you for the rest of your life. He will instead date your best friend and marry your sister.

Here is a very simple guide to telling this boy how you feel.

First, tell your friends, preferably those who tend to gossip. They know how to spread information quickly and accurately – this is probably why they tend to major in communications later on.

Once they have done their work and notified the boy, his friends, half of Ohio’s population, and your friendly Republican state representative, then initiate phase two.

The boy will most likely approach you. Ignore him. In fact, completely blow him off and call him a misogynist. Guys love it when you play hard to get. They come up with all sorts of cute nicknames for these kinds of girls.

After the boy has become sufficiently enraged and no longer speaks to you, it is time to initiate the final stage.

Walk up to him while he is with his friends. Smack him upside the head, call him an idiot, and throw yourself into his arms.

I absolutely guarantee that he will not only catch you, but that you two will have a beautiful relationship based on a foundation of trust, care, and affection.

Best of luck with all romantic endeavors,

Mister Wilde