Dear Mister Wilde,

I have a confession. I just don’t like the girl I’ve been with for the last month any more. She’s nice and cute and all, but I’m not feeling it. What should I do? How should I break up with her?

Help me! 

“Over-it” Omar

Dear “Over it” Omar,

Dammit, I’m a journalist, not a dating advisor!

Jokes aside, let’s begin. The most unfortunate side effect of every breakup is the remaining feelings that haunt one of the two parties involved. And since you completely lack these feelings, we should focus on the lovely lady. So Jim, what do we do?

Crush, and I mean utterly devastate her heart, and those feelings will never come up again. Doing so will save her the pain of dreamily recalling your bored disinterest, thus preventing any attempts to win a nice guy like you back.

But how do you crush a girl’s sweet soul without messing up her life? Simple! Don’t hold back, and tell the truth. Girls adore honesty even more than chocolate.

Pick the right time and place – I would recommend her birthday. Set the mood, with candles and soft music in a low lit secluded place. Make sure she’s as comfortable and happy as possible before you drop the metaphorical axe.

Pick your words carefully. Remember; make it as clear as painfully possible. Try to avoid directly insulting her, but don’t speak about her too highly either. Likewise, lower the relationship to abysmal sounding levels. It’ll make it easier to imagine the breakup for her.

Start with something sweet to make her comfortable. Perhaps, “these last few weeks have been a dream” or, “you’re so incredibly kind.” Anything cheesy will work, really. She will probably smile or giggle or whatever it is that girls do, and then you can begin.

I recommend a few of my favorite lines:

“It’s not me, it’s you.”

“You’re just not the girl I’ve been looking for.”

“It was a dream, but it’s become a nightmare.”

“Honey, you’re a ten…on the pH scale, because you’re basic.”

“You’re great, but Cynthia would be much better for my status, you do understand, right?”

If you can throw a pun in or two, it’ll definitely make the break up easier. Also, you get style points.

Now, there is a slight chance she might become hysterical or get violent. In that case, I leave it to your discretion. You can try to comfort her with a hug and an “it’ll be ok” or you can run away as fast as your legs will carry you.

Of course, the particular wording of each sentence and specific details are really left up to your fantastic sense of judgment and I trust you’ll do the right thing. You’ve displayed it impeccably so far, and much more so than the majority of your classmates.

After all, this is only someone’s feelings we’re dealing with.

And make sure that, right before you leave, you give her a parting gift. Perhaps a friendship bracelet, reading, “It was fun while it lasted.”

P.S. If you lack the courage to do it yourself, just send your next prospective girlfriend to do it for you. It’s not like she’ll be around long enough to hold it against you anyways.

Always happy to prevent disaster,

Mister Wilde