Dear Mister Wilde,

It’s AP testing week. Need I say more? I’m dying! How do I pass these exams?

Sincerely,

Stressed Sam.

Dear Sam,

You don’t.

…

What, did you expect sound advice? Aside from the very purpose of this column, did you expect there to even BE any sort of useful advice concerning AP testing? Fine then, let’s take a look.

Advanced Placement exams are a complex system that I will try to break down as best as I can.

At the beginning of the year, a student enters the building. Excited for the new year and the “more challenging yet more rewarding courses” that he signed up for, he walks into the class of his choice. I will refrain from choosing a specific course for obvious reasons.

As he (or she, Christ, no need to freak) sits down, they are surrounded by the clamor of other students just like them, all excited and perhaps just a little self-righteous. After all, they’re in an AP class. And by a little, I mean the sky’s the limit.

On the first day, the teacher runs through the basics and introduces the class. Typical stuff. The first week is simple, reviewing last year and foreshadowing the upcoming year. The class is moving a little faster than their colleagues, but nothing too crazy. What in the world were those seniors complaining about that was so tough?

Then the hammer is put down. The guillotine drops. The axe swings. The moment students are no longer allowed to quit, classes go into overdrive. The pace never slows down.

Ever.

Fast forward two semesters all the way to mid-May. After learning everything there is to know about said subject, our intrepid (if mildly weather-beaten) student enters a large room with his colleagues, and the test commences.

But Sam, you know what an AP class is. So, about the test.

I’m sure my readers have guessed my status as a Senior by now. If not, well, there’s little hope for you anyway. I’ve taken my fair share of AP exams. And let me tell you. I don’t recall a single blasted thing.

How long was it? An eternity, but a really fast one that went by like *snap*.

Was it hard? I don’t remember, the doctors say that part of my memory erased itself out of horror.

Did studying help? Oh, I’m sure it did. The thirteen cups of coffee helped more though.

How did I relax beforehand? You really shouldn’t ask.

In other words, don’t worry. You’re going to be miserable no matter what, whether you stress or not. So why be anxious on top of it! You’re going to fail because the entire notion of such a test is a failure. A collegiate level course condensed into a High School classroom, taught at rapid speed and then tested on over a period of several hours, that is what we are talking about!

In fact, in order to receive the top score of a five, you really only have to get half of the multiple choice and a slightly above average response on all the essays. So technically speaking, even if you pass, you fail.

Best of luck, Sam. My advice? Coffee, a stuffed reindeer, and someone to cry with after the dust settles.

Truly, my best wishes and bitter condolences…..

P.S. For the record, I am taking these as well. If you would like someone to wallow in misery with, you’ll find me in my office.

P.P.S. I highly doubt the school will permit me to post such a truthfully open commentary on AP testing, so I’ll add some valid advice. Get a lot of rest the night before. Do not cram, it will not help. Trust me, coming from someone who is taking five exams this year and as many the years prior, you’ll need the rest more than you’ll need the last minute studying. Either you know it by now, or you don’t. Either way, driving yourself crazy now will only destroy you when the actual test comes around. Lastly, and this is the most important thing, these tests do not define you. If you struggle, or your results are not what you hoped for, or you just feel like you’re about to collapse due to pressure, remember that it’s just a test. Sure, it’s a freaking big one, but it will not dictate your future. Deep breath, kid. You’re going to do great. Or at least adequate.

Warm regards,

Mister Wilde