Dear Mister Wilde, I Can’t Sleep



MISTER WILDE, Advice Columnist

Dear Mister Wilde,

I am a busy student. I somehow manage to juggle homework, extracurriculars, and a part time job… the problem is, I don’t have time to sleep! I keep falling asleep at my desk and sometimes I even pass out while I’m eating. I need your help–how can I find a good balance between my fulfilling my responsibilties and getting enough rest?

Busy Bee

Dear Busy Bee,

Sleep is for the weak. That is the first lesson I learned in Kindergarten. My lovely teacher, Ms. Dewey, sat me down on her knee after I had dozed off in class. She looked me straight in my tired little eyes, laughed, and told me, “Buck up kid. If you fall asleep again, I’ll crush you with a textbook.”

To this day, whenever I begin to get drowsy in class, all I can see are textbooks flying towards me and wicked, but still lovely, laughter. Of course, this could be a side effect from the quadruple expresso I drink each morning.

In other words, you should not simply avoid rest. You should fear it like the Devil, for like the Devil, sleep will taint your life and ruin your future.

Let’s be scientific. Sleep is simply a distraction of the physical body which keeps you away from higher mental pursuits. Whenever your eyelids begin to fall, fight the temptation! You will only become stronger for it, eventually hitting a mental state where you feel as if you are floating and no longer feel pain.

Note please, nonbelievers will call that state “exhaustion”. Do not listen to their biased and unscientific propaganda. We professionals at The Paw Print like to refer to it as, “floatyness.”

If you fall asleep, you will waste hours of your life in relaxation when you should be thinking about the important things in life, like the theoretical quantum physics exam first period.

If you need a role model, look no further than Abraham Lincoln. They say he was an insomniac and suffered from severe emotional spells, but look at his accomplishments! Simply by not sleeping, “Honest” Abe defeated the Confederacy. And so can you!

Though if you must sleep because you are incapable of dealing with the rigors of being a normal human, then follow this simple rule: the number of hours you sleep should never exceed your GPA.

Best wishes and horrible dreams,

Mister Wilde

DISCLAIMER– The editors of The Paw Print would like to inform our readers that Mister Wilde suffers from a severe case of sass. While it is not infectious, we recommend you keep your distance and take all his advice with several handfuls of salt. You can safely get in touch and ask Mister Wilde for advice through his email or Twitter account linked on his bio.